Anger-Reducing Tactics

The best of parents can lose their cool. Here’s why, and how to cope

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Call 610-691-1200 to talk with a volunteer about your anger 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

You thought parenthood would be filled with hugs and kisses…so why are you pounding your fists, screaming and stomping your feet? “Anger almost always stems from another emotion,” says Marcie Lightwood, program coordinator at Project Child in Bethlehem. “It could be frustration (because you’re exhausted), resentment (because you handle more of the parenting load than your partner) or disappointment (at your child’s
behavior).”

Pinpoint the emotion behind the anger, she says, and you’ll stop anger at its source. Also, know that your child isn’t trying to get on your nerves. He’s probably just behaving in a way appropriate to his age, says Denise Gibbs of Lehigh Valley Hospital and Health Network, a certified nurse practitioner in child and adolescent psychiatry.

Age by age, here are the common anger triggers, and what you can do about them:

Newborn

Why you’re angry: Your newborn demands round-the-clock feedings at a time when your own fluctuating hormones are playing havoc with your emotions.

Solution: “Rest is essential, so catch up on your sleep during the day or when the baby is sleeping,” Gibbs says. Ask your spouse, a relative or friend to help with housework so you have time to nap.

Terrible 2s and 3s

Why you’re angry: Around 18 months, children start wanting to make their own choices. These often conflict with your choices.

Solution: When you need your child to do something, firmly ask once. If he says, “No!”, physically redirect him. For example, if he won’t get out of the bathtub after you ask him once, pick him up. If he throws a tantrum, put him down in a safe place and wait quietly until it’s over.

Elementary Years

Why you’re angry: Children have trouble making quick transitions, which can make you late when you’re trying to get out the door.

Solution: “Give time limits for activities and remind your child when the time is almost up,” Gibbs says. At the playground, for example, tell your daughter she can play for 30 minutes. After 20 minutes, tell her she has 10 minutes left.

Tweens and Teens

Why you’re angry: Your adolescent talks back, slams doors and ignores your advice.

Solution: Try to listen—and not strategize—as your teen explains his side. “Often if you let kids talk, they’ll arrive at a resolution on their own,” Gibbs says. “But if you give them that same solution without first hearing them out, they will reject it.”

No matter the childhood stage, if your anger reaches a boiling point, remove yourself from the situation. Ask someone to watch your child until you calm down. “Find a safety valve,” Lightwood says. “Call a friend, a hotline or another parent and vent so you don’t take it out on your child.”

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